Thursday, August 05, 2004

Dear Alan Keyes:

Congratulations! I hear that you might be my new senator here in Illinois, even though, as far as I know, you've hardly even ever been to Chicago, much less any of the myriad of other, y'know, cities, towns and villages in this fine, flat state.

But I hear that if you come, there is minor issue of your not having any place to live in land of Lincoln. Now, when Hillary ran for senate in New York, some rich friends of hers bought she and Bill a nice big mansion. But you didn't like it. The local paper here in town, the Chicago Tribune, has a quote today that you said, on Fox New on March 17, 2000:

"I deeply resent the destruction of federalism represented by Hillary Clinton's willingness to go into a state she doesn't even live in and pretend to represent people there. So I certainly wouldn't imitate it."

Now, to be fair, you were talking about running in New York, not Illinois. It's totally different, but unfortunately, you don't seem to have quite as many rich friends who are willing to buy you nice big house in Wilmette. If that's true, I might be able to help.

You see, my friend Nora doesn't necessarily need a roommate, but her old one moved out a few days ago. If you think that you might like to run for senate in Illinois and need to establish residency by Sunday, you'd better get in touch with her soon.

I think she might be ready to sign a September 1 lease, and you don't want to miss out on this!

Yours truly,

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Cheney, Racial Profiler
The audacity of cynicism!

The Bush re-election campaign demanded to know the race of a photographer assigned to Dick Cheney, the Arizona Daily Star reported yesterday.

In a follow-up today, the Secret Service said the information was necessary in case there were two photographers named Mamta Popat. Apparently, this information couldn't be gleaned from the name, birthdate and social security number that had already been provided.

Similar requests were made of other local news providers, as well, the Daily Star reported. The editor of the Daily Star said she had never been asked for such information before.

So when the inevitable rainbow-colored procession appears at the RNC this month, write letters to your editor reminding them of the Bush adminstration's own questionable racial policies. Remind them that, in the words of Barack Obama, "There's not a black America and white America and Latino America and Asian America; there's the United States of America."

And now, a hypothetical question Obama might pose to the Bush campaign: How many righteous winds does it take to topple a sinking ship?

- Marc
These Are All Reasons
Is this heaven? No, it's a pro-Bush rally

President Bush ventured to Davenport, Iowa, today in search of supporters. When the people of the corn arrived (hey, I can say that because my girlfriend is from Iowa), he laid out his case for re-election:

Every incumbent who's asking for the vote has to answer a question: Why? Why should the American people give me the great privilege of serving as your President for four more years?
But he'd already answered his question earlier in the speech:

Today I'm going to give you some reasons for you to put me back in office, but perhaps the most important reason of all is so that Laura will be the First Lady for four more years.
Shucks, he's a feminist after all. Seriously, if that's the best he can do, maybe Whopundit should overlook the rest of his speech.

That includes another recycled "fill the potholes" joke, another disingenuous avoidance of his own threat to veto the $87 billion reconstruction money, or his puzzling claim that Saddam Hussein "deceived" UN inspectors (how could he deceive inspectors about weapons that weren't there?).

Why quibble over details, when the President has already conceded that re-electing his wife as a figurehead is more important than anything he could do in office?

- Marc
Kaleidoscope Sales on the Rise:

So, Illinois' very own Washington Generals, aka our state Republican party, has narrowed their list of senatorial candidates to two. And what a pair of aces! Andrea Grubb Barthwell, a former Bush administration official, had to leave for harrassing a co-worker (that it happened on Dec. 19, 2002 makes it sound like Dr. Barthwell didn't know the first rule office workers everywhere: lay off the cinnamon schnapps at the holiday party; she could just as easily have ended up getting it on in the broom closet) with homophobic taunts involving a kaleidoscope.

So the GOP has conclusively set at least one precedent. Clip this one and put it in your wallet for future use: getting fired for sexual harrassment is less than or equal to asking your wife to have sex with you in front of an audience in an "avant garde nightclub."

The other one, Alan Keyes, lives in Maryland. By Whopundit's estimation, that's at least FOUR STATES and a time zone away. If a candidate instinctively thinks that The Amazing Race starts at 10PM and NFL games start at 1PM, then he doesn't know Illinois. Oh, and he's also balls out crazy.

If the Ill. GOP wanted to illustrate that Barack Obama is far to the left of ordinary Illinoisians, then are a harrasser and a carpet-bagger their best choices? What about just running my neighborhood's statue of the beardless Abe Lincoln?


Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Howler Hits the Big Time
Krugman bites the hand that feeds him, again

Check out today's Paul Krugman column to see what I mean (yeah, I know, I hate it when bloggers just give you a link without any context, too -- but trust me).

- Marc

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