Wednesday, June 22, 2005

The Illinois-based editors of Whopundit have come into possession of a rough draft of Senator Durbin's recently read apology. Okay, we didn't come into possession of it. We found it in the garbage outside the Senator's Chicago offices while were looking for old banana peels that we could freeze-dry and smoke. A 6th-grader told us it can get you really high. Does anyone know if that's true?

Oh, anyway, here's the document:

Dick Durbin's Apology: Rough Draft #1

"Dear Members of Congress and my fellow Americans:

"The other day I said that the treatment of some prisoners at Guantamo Bay was bad. And then I read from an FBI report in which an agent recounted what he or she saw there. And then I said you would never think that this was something that Americans could do to prisoners. I also said that this sounded like the treatment that terrible regimes did to their prisoners, not something that an American could do. Do you follow me so far? (Or do you think otherwise? Are you not shocked by what I read?) I also said, regrettably, that this sounded like the sort of treatment of prisoners you would expect of some terrible regime like the Soviets, Pol Pot, or, again, regrettably, Nazis.

"So, now I've come to my apology.

"I'm sorry that all those people who got upset are so upset. To each of you upset, I say now: I'm sorry that the American educational system has so completely failed you in your ability to understand a nuanced point, much less be able to spell or define the word nuance. I'm also sorry for your inability to comprehend why whoever okayed this prisoner treatment made terrible decisions to allow America to squander the moral ideals we, supposedly, hold. That would be from the Civics classes you slept through, Chucklehead.

"In the future, starting right now, I promise to work my hardest to figure cut a way to pull America out of this morass of utter stupidity. I'll work harder to increase the reasoning ability of Americans, because a house with this kind of mental deficiency cannot stand.

"Okay, now was that too fast for you nincompoops? Do you need me to say it again slower?"

-- Fritz

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